In pretty much all of my posts, I write about things from a positive mindset, and almost paint this picture that I'm this happy and cheery bundle of joy all of the time. Although I would love nothing more than for that to be the truth, I want to be completely honest on here and just say that it isn't. Something I particularly do not want to do is create false ideals that you can be this way all of the time, as it is completely and utterly unrealistic.
Last week, I had one of the worst weeks I have experienced in a long time. For quite a while, I felt this sadness creep up on me, yet I constantly pushed it away and tried to distract myself from it. Yet it all built up, and then swarmed over me like some kind of tidal wave crashing down upon me. I guess something that triggered it off the most was Halloween, and thinking about all the memories I have of my childhood - which, in all honesty, still hurt me when I think about them. (Don't get me wrong, I had an absolutely fantastic childhood but, in light of recent events, it's painful to think about).
Normally, when I have an 'off' day, I'll just cry it out and get an early night - knowing that in the morning I'll feel better again. Yet when that didn't work, I began to get frustrated with it. Something I hate more than anything in the world is showing people when I'm hurting, and whenever I cry in front of people I become so angry with myself. The truth is, I don't want anyone to see me like that, because I don't want to upset them too. The reason why I get sad affects a lot of people who I see on a daily basis and, in all honesty, I don't want to be a painful reminder to them about what has happened this year. (Again, another reason why I'm anxious about posting this).
The thing is, it's okay not to be okay - and that really is something I find difficult coming to terms with. I wish more than anything that I could live the rest of my life being happy all of the time, laughing with friends and family, and having a permanent smile on my face, but the truth is - I can't. Grief is something that I am going to have to live with and come to terms with on my own account, and I can't just ignore it in the hope that it will all go away.
In one of my reoccuring episodes this week which mainly involved lots of tears and sore eyes, my mum recommended a book to me - Michael Renson's Sad Book. Whilst it mainly involves pictures by the same artist Roald Dahl used, the words included are entirely meaningful and definitely summed up how I've been feeling. My personal favourites include; "Sometimes I'm sad and I don't know why. It's just a cloud that comes along and covers me up", "I think people won't like me if I look sad" and "Sometimes I don't want to talk about it. Not to anyone. No one. No one at all. I just want to think about it on my own. Because it's mine. And no one elses".
I relate to all three of these quotes, and they definitely struck a chord when I read them. The one that mentions "I think people won't like me if I look sad" is something that I would really like to touch on. There's been times when I've felt that I can't feel the way I do, because people will just think I'm a misery guts and that'll be annoying for them. I don't want to sit there with a glum face when I'm with my friends and family, but then I don't want to sit there and pretend to be happy when, I'm really not. However, I do think that you have a right to express how you're feeling in any way that you want to, and whether you would prefer to conceal it with a smile, then that it completely your choice. Likewise, if you're similar to me and find it hard to hide how you're feeling then it's completely okay for you to show it - your friends and family love you dearly, and they all want to help you in any way that they can.
Most of the time when I feel like this, I shut myself off. I push people away and just want to be alone, mainly just wishing for it all to go away. The thing I've come to realise, is that it doesn't just leave, no matter how much you want it to. Allow yourself to feel, and I know that is so much easier said than done, but all this hurt you're feeling right now and all the tears you're crying - it's all healthy and good for you. By doing this, you're letting out your emotions instead of them building up into something huge and impossible to deal with.
I think I cried more tears last week that I have ever cried before in my life, and in all honesty I thought this overwhelming sadness was a feeling that was here to stay. Yet something in me snapped, and I got up, dusted myself off and came to the realisation that I could either spend my days moping around in baggy sweatshirts and crying over every little thing or I could learn from this experience and know that the next time I feel like this again, I'll let myself feel the way I do and ultimately be stronger because of it - "this too shall pass".
So, I bought myself the most ridiculous slippers I could find on ASOS, and vowed that whenever I feel sad again, I can look down at my feet and remember that "it's okay not to be okay", but I am able cope with anything life throws my way.
On that note, I just wanted to add my usual sprinkle of positivity and round this post off by saying that you are in no way defined by what has happened to you, I believe it's the way that you cope with it that is a real justification of who you are.
... There it is. I'm sorry that this post was a bit doom and gloom, but I really wanted to touch on this subject!
See you next week
Love,
Grace x
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