I am currently sat in my bedroom, alone, after being surrounded by my family for the past couple of days. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that there is only 4 more days until Sherlock is back on TV, but I am feeling totally, utterly and completely content. I have many blog posts whereby I mention the importance of surrounding yourself with great people, but I really don't think I can say it enough. Although I'm probably being biased here, my family are my favourite people in the world, and I am honestly the happiest person alive when I am in their company.

Seeing as this is the last blog post of 2016, I felt that it was only right to reflect upon the year in a way that wasn't just sharing my top 9 pictures on Instagram. Although I don't want this post to be negative and dull, I can't ignore the fact that this year has been the most difficult years of my entire life. I have lost people who I never thought I would, and in result of this lost a part of myself - one that I know I will never get back. There are people who I miss every single day, and who I would trade places with in a flash - if only I could. For months I was ridden with this guilt that would make me question what right I had to be here, when the people I knew 'deserved' to be here, weren't.

I'm still battling with these thoughts, but they're not as loud as they used to be. I know for a fact that I can't spend the rest of my life questioning why things happened - because the truth is, they just did. We have all these expectations that when people are ill, they'll get better and that you'll only say goodbye to the world once you're old and have lived a full and happy life - but in reality that's just a fairytale. Something I've learnt this year, and as cliche as it sounds, is that we need to live every single day like it's our last and make sure to tell people just how important they are to us. (Funnily enough, whenever I try to do this to my Mum or Dad, they just think I'm after something).

There's no way in hell that I'm going to sit here and just focus on the awful things that happened in 2016, because that is just not my style. There are 365 days in a year and despite the fact that, admittedly so, a large percentage were spent in utter, utter misery, there were some happy times to. This year I met some of the best people I ever have, I found something I loved to do, I did things that scared me and I grew as a person. I realised my strengths, and my weaknesses. Although I would love to say that I am now a mature young lady, I simply cannot lie. Despite the fact that I have changed, I know that it'll take a lot more than that for me to ever be described as 'mature', I guess it simply isn't in my nature.

I hate cheese, but this post is about to get as cheesy as the 'Quattro Fromaggi' pizza I once ordered in Italy which genuinely put me off cheese for life. (The smell, the way it looked ... it all still gives me nightmares). I know that sometimes it gets easy to become tied up with all the negative things in your life, and sometimes the positive and the good things get pushed aside and ignored, but I personally think that the best 'medicine' for sadness is to focus on the happiness that you've endured too. Even in times of indescribable pain, I've always taken a minute to be consoled by the happy memories that I have experienced beforehand. This is going to sound like the most cringey and cliche thing ever, but here is something that I always reflect back on;

On the day that the worst thing imaginable happened, I'm not going to write it here, but I'm sure that many of you can guess what it was, I remember feeling like the world had stopped turning. Everything froze, and time seemed like it wasn't even a concept anymore. It was just like a dream that I couldn't wake up from and I lost sense of reality - because even when you know that something is going to happen, it doesn't mean that you can ever prepare for it when it does. Yet a few hours later, I began to hear cars zooming past outside and, as weird as this sounds, all I could think about was that 'life goes on'. And, at the end of the day, it does.

When I'm sad, I find myself thinking about that. Although your world stops - the rest of the world carries on. I also find myself thinking about all the times I've laughed so much I can barely breathe, the times I've danced with my favourite people in the entire world, or even the times when I've found solace in a book that I've never read before (wow, how nerdy). There is so much to experience, and sometimes I find that I have no time to be sad - because I just want to carry of living.

However, that being said, that's not a healthy way to be. I find myself constantly trying to find new ways to distract myself, in order to stop myself from feeling things that I just really don't want to feel. Although when I feel myself getting low, I can move on from it by thinking about the time I laughed so hard I spat tomato soup all over my Nanna and Grandad's white table cloth, I think it would be a lot better in the long run if I sat and endured the pain - instead of letting it build up into something that becomes a lot harder to deal with.

So, I guess that's New Year Resolution Number 1. I think another would be to do more things that scare me, and to stray away from my comfort zone every now and then - because, that tends to be when the best things happen. I am obviously going to carry on with my blogging - my silly little rambles that people seem to enjoy (!!!), and hope that 2017 brings me exciting things to write about!

I don't want this post to be too long, as I think people may begin to get bored of my silly self, but I just wanted to say a quick thank you. I think this may sound like a speech at an awards ceremony, (cue my dad saying a comment such as 'An award for the biggest idiot' or something along those lines...) but I wanted to follow my own advice and tell people who I care about just how much they mean to me.

To my amazing family, this year has been tough on every single one of us, but we've all managed to pull through together. The way you've stuck by me, and continued to make me laugh even on the worst days imaginable has been the most important factor in getting me through this year. I hope I've done the same for you (even though my jokes are terrible, and usually only end with me laughing). I am utterly grateful that I am able to spend time with such strong, vibrant people and I hope 2017 brings us more happy memories together.

To my lovely friends, you are the best people I have ever met. In times where I've felt so alone, you've shown me that I'm not - and waking up on Christmas morning to your lovely messages meant more to me than you will ever know or understand. It breaks my heart to think that in a couple of months time we won't be spending every day together, but I know that we'll always be friends, regardless of whether we see each other once a week or once a year. I hope 2017 brings you more fun and laughter, and that you don't get sick of me (but lets be real, you're stuck with me).

And to anyone else reading this. Although there's been many jokes (by my 'amazing family') that it's just myself clicking on my posts 10,000 times, every single person who reads my blogs has helped me more than they could ever imagine. The support I have received is completely overwhelming, and it still baffles me that people want to read what I write. I find it strange that there's people all over the world who are reading this, but I hope that the words I write help you in any way that they can.

I've got such positive thoughts for 2017, and am looking forward to immersing in a fresh, new year with promises of a new start and new beginnings.

I hope you have a lovely new year, and I'll see you in 2017 (aGHHH!)

Love,
Grace x

Here is a little ramble I once wrote at 1am, I guess it is very bitty and may not make sense in some parts, but I think there's some important messages in here (I hope you agree!!). 

Believing in myself is something that I find almost impossible. When times get hard and it seems as though the walls inside my being are crashing down, I can’t help but question my own capabilities and wonder how different things would be if only I was more intelligent, more beautiful or even more interesting. The question 'am I good enough' is one that I find whirling round my brain repeatedly, crushing down my confidence little by little each time. Yet when I have time to think about it, I realise that there is no such thing as 'good enough' - in every context, there is always going to be someone 'better' than you ... but why does that feel like a competition? 

I've never been one of those people who are top of the class, definitely not the best sports player, or even won a competition before (except from a short story one, woo!). Being 'good enough' isn't a measure that I'm forcing other people to base me off, it's more about how I see myself. I write in my blogs about not caring what people think and, trust me, that is the truth - yet I'm still trying to find a way of not being so bloody hard on myself. I'm constantly finding things that I've done wrong or that I need to improve on, yet fail to celebrate the achievements I have to my name. 

I think when difficulty strikes, this is the easy way out. To believe in yourself is something that people, and of course I’m more biased towards teenagers (because I am one), find especially challenging - and I really wish I knew why. I think, again stereotypically, that something this worth is based on is purely to do with image, and the way that we look. There's so much pressure nowadays to look a certain way - all primped and 'flawless', and it really does act as such a massive factor in the way that we feel about ourselves. 

We all have this idea of ‘perfection’ which is so utterly ridiculous - because there is no such thing! If you ask someone to define perfect, then I can guarantee that they won’t be able to conjure up the words to explain it (unless they say something like ‘Benedict Cumberbatch’ … In that case, I completely agree)! 

It’s times like this where we need to look back and think about all the things we have achieved in such a small time frame of existence. The possibilities we have are endless, whether that be our future, the outfits that we can create using items already in our wardrobes, the choices that we can make every single day … and the list goes on. 

The term ‘infinity’ is a catalyst for many elements to ourselves which live inside our bodies and need the opportunity to come out and show to the world just how bright we can shine. 

Personally, writing is my infinity. I find a release from the repeated tapping on my laptop keys, that I am yet to find elsewhere. Writing makes me feel good, and even better when I am congratulated or rewarded from doing so. I cannot even begin to express how it feels when people message me saying that they love my work, or that it has helped them in some way. It is as though the stars have lit up inside of me and expanded to create a galaxy to show me that the opportunities I have are endless. 

When typing, I have no real idea what is going to appear on the page. Sometimes it even shocks me, scares me or surprises me. I then realise that this is also an aspect of ‘infinity’… My little infinity which lives inside of me, and helps me to understand my own thoughts and feelings in a creative and expressive way. 

I look at myself in the mirror when trying on a dress, and see that there are infinite ways I can look which could make this dress look considerably better - or even worse. I have infinite thoughts buzzing around my brain which are in a battle deciding whether I should crumble down in despair at my reflection in this deceitful piece of glass, or hold my head high and tell the world that I am proud of who I am and what the universe has turned me into.

Strangers. We look around and spot people that we have never seen before, and will never see again, and there’s a complete essence of beauty in that. Looking into their eyes, there are infinite things that they could be feeling, thinking, doing or creating … all in the vast infinity of their minds. I've mentioned about my fixation on people I've never met and will never meet before - there really is just something that completely fascinates me about that concept.

I guess feelings could be described as an infinity. Every day when you wake up, there are infinite things that you could be feeling, and that number expands due to the things we experience on that particular day. In the world, there are infinite things that could be happening at this very moment in time, even stuff that we don't even know about. 

There’s so much colour in the world, brought to us by the darkest of things. Yes, there’s hate, crime, violence, homophobia and awful, awful things that happen all across our beautiful planet, but it’s only in the darkest of times that we realise how bright we, and everyone else around us, shine. A spectrum of colours and an infinite amount of love. 

The world is our oyster, and it is our right to protect it and make it our own. 

Our little infinity.  

Hope you have a lovely week, and an even lovelier Christmas!

Love,

Grace x

I felt obliged to write this post - knowing that there's other people out there who, like myself, are going to have a very different Christmas this year. I have been through many 'firsts' this year - one being 'our' birthday, yet I knew that Christmas was always going to be the most difficult. There's no escaping it - Christmas is everywhere, and whilst I used to love and relish in this, there's a certain sadness to it now that cannot be explained unless you are experiencing it yourself.

I've been dreading this time of year since ... well, the start of this year, if I'm perfectly honest. The thought of an empty seat at the dinner table, a name missing off the christmas cards we receive and one less pile of presents sends cold shivers down my spine, and fills me with a dread so deep I believe that I could drown in it.

Christmas has always been one of my favourite times of year - I love how there's this global, festive cheer, and (almost) everyone seems to be in a good mood. Yet before now I've always taken it for granted, believing that each Christmas would always be the same for years to come. I expected my mum to be taking the 'annual christmas card' pictures of the three of us every year, whilst we all cringed at the prospect that our faces were going to be displayed on the mantle pieces of distant relatives we'd only met a handful of times before.

Truth be told, I had visions that the entire month of December I was going to be in this extreme state of sadness - tearing up every single time I saw a christmas tree and noticeably cringing every time someone even mentioned anything remotely festive - yet it hasn't been like that at all. Of course, I'm not going to sit here and claim that there hasn't been moments where the pain of losing someone who utterly adored this time of year hasn't hit me hard - trust me, there's been plenty of those - but I've also found great comfort in the memories of the Christmases we all shared together.

Anyone who knew Luke will remember that he had a different Christmas jumper for every day of the week - and would take great pride in wearing them whenever he went out and about. I will never forget the grumpy look on his face when Alice and I used to wake him up at 6am so we could all check whether 'Santa' had been, or when he would sing the Christmas carols at the Church service so over dramatically it would have us all in stitches. Something I still laugh about to this day is when he went out and bought the biggest angel for the top of the Christmas tree he could possibly find, or how the three of us had a tradition of watching The Polar Express every single Christmas eve.

All of these memories are so precious, and I know that I will treasure them for the rest of my life. I know that it's going to be different this year, and that the traditions will feel incomplete, but it's also so important to carry them on. Being filled with dread over the inevitable seems silly to me, so instead I'm going to embrace it. (I've been listening to 'Do they know it's Christmas' on repeat, and it puts me in the best mood ever).

For anyone who has lost someone close to them, and are finding this time of year hard (understandably so), I think that instead of focusing on the sadness that Christmas brings to your family, you should also take comfort from the memories of the Christmases you spent with your loved one, too.

I wish I had some great advice on how to make the pain go away, but I'm still trying to figure that one out myself - all I can say is that sometimes the sheer thought of how something is going to be, is often worse than it actually turns out. There's no denying that Christmas day is going to be a tough one, but I know that being surrounded by family will make it so much easier to endure. That being said, we don't have a choice but to celebrate Christmas in a way that Luke would want us to - except for the waking up at 6am part, I'm an old lady now!

I hope you're having a lovely week, and I'll see you next wednesday!

Love,
Grace x

I've just come back from watching a film called 'Tangerine' at Home cinema in Manchester and felt utterly inclined to write about it. It was shot using an Iphone 5s and followed members of a transgender community in downtown LA.

Aside from all the technicalities and digital aspects of the film, something that stood out to me a great deal was the representation of the trans women, who worked as prostitutes in order to earn money. Instead of the stereotypical representations, which usually follow a introvert coming to terms with who they are, and hiding their 'big secret' from the rest of the world - these women were truly confident with who they were, and made absolute no effort at all to hide it.

The film follows Sin-dee (Rella) and Alexandra - two transgender best friends, who live what can only be described as a 'colourful life'. Sin-dee has just been released from prison, only to find out that her boyfriend (who we later find out to be her fiancé) has cheated on her with a cisgender (a woman who was biologically born a female) and goes around town trying to track this lady down. The moment when she finds her was a scene that I found absolutely hilarious - I'm not going to spoil it though - and she proceeds to drag her through town by her hair (I guess this wasn't so funny).

Although the film follows a mainly comedic genre, there were also some utterly tragic moments too. One being when Alexandra has to pay the money, which she is exploited in order to earn, just to perform a couple of songs in a bar. Only 2 people turn up to watch - Sin-dee and her 'hostage' Dinah. Whilst I half expected the performance to be cheesy and the kind of thing you'd see on RuPaul's Drag Race, it was the complete opposite. The songs she sang were heartbreaking and beautiful, and really made you see the life they live in a completely different way.

The things is, although they come across as bold, bright and fierce, the only job they seem to have is as prostitutes, which I actually found quite disrespectful. Although the director was trying to defy stereotypes, which he certainly did in one way, he didn't representing the characters as having any ambitions or goals, and they were still isolated from society. Whilst Sin-Dee conformed to her role, and knew that her only option was to embrace her lifestyle, it was clear that Alex saw beyond the confinements that were set against her and was desperately trying to break away from them.  

The setting in Tangerine seemed so bright and colourful, yet underneath the surface it was so utterly corrupt. It really was a beautifully artistic and aesthetically pleasing film, with a lot of scenes that had me in hysterics, but it was juxtaposed with this element of sadness that I haven't seen projected in any film in a long time. I would completely, totally and utterly recommend watching it - and I know that I will definitely be watching it again.

Okay, I'm going to go on a little rant now. It takes a lot to annoy me, it honestly really does. Yet once I'm annoyed, it's final and there's no going back from there. Something that particularly gets on my nerves is when people are discriminative and judgemental towards other members within society, and I really just cannot stand it. It's unfair that people are defined by the way they look and how people feel the need that they should have an opinion on it.

After the screening of the film, we were all asked to feedback on our thoughts towards it. Although I am aware that everyone is obviously entitled to their own opinions and values - and I think it's great that we live in a democracy where we are able to do that - I listened to someone refer to the characters as 'transgender men, women, whatever they are' and I was disgusted. Just because we are born either male or female, I really don't think that should define who we are. I hear on the news or social media that people feel 'trapped in their own bodies' and it really really upsets me to think that people are hurting because of that. People feel that they can't be their true selves because of the reaction from other people, and I hate to think about it. We are either male or female, depending on what we identify as, and I don't believe anyone else other than ourselves should have the right to dictate that decision for us.

Something else that annoyed me was the usage of the word 'normal'. I know people perhaps were trying to explain their points, I do think more thought should've gone into it rather than defining the characters between 'the trans ones and the normal ones'. Because, what is normal? It's a word we use a lot, but what does it really mean? We are all so different and diverse in many ways, but what's the difference between what's 'normal' and what's 'not normal'? UGH.

This post has definitely taken a turning point, but I just couldn't hold in my anger and felt the need to write about it - so voila! One last thing that annoys me in general, yet I was reminded of today, is when people feel like they can justify their discrimination and pure ignorance by saying 'I'm friends with transgender people/black people/gay people etc' in order for their points to not come across as racist, homophobic or transphobic. Yet, what I fail to understand is that if you're friends with people, and have seen firsthand the struggles they have gone through, then why do you think that it's okay to add to them? If you're 'friend' heard what you were saying, do you not think they'd be offended? I just don't get it, I really really don't.

I'm sorry, I think I just needed to get that off my chest. It hurts me to think that we live in a world that can be so unaccepting and discriminative, making it difficult for vulnerable people to feel comfortable with who they are -  and the sheer thought that someone out there is living with the pain of pretending to be someone they know they're not, just in order to 'fit in', honestly breaks my heart.

I guess that's all for now and, again, apologies for the rant.

Love,
Grace x