To All The Boys I've Loved and Lost

I remember watching a video on YouTube a good few years ago by Alexa Losey. It was titled 'A Letter To All The Boys I've Loved', and even though my 17 year old self turned my nose up at that - I had nothing better to do so I decided to watch it.

I had never been in love before, or even had a boyfriend (aside from the boy you'd hold hands with in the playground in year 7), and expected a video depicting all the highs and lows of a relationship. However, this was different. Alexa's video didn't just talk about romantic relationships - she spoke about family, about friends. She did it in an ambiguous way, never specifically saying names - and, whilst I know it'll never be as beautiful and heartfelt as hers, I am attempting to do replicate this today. (If you fancy watching, which I totally recommend you do - here's the link

Here's my version - 'To All The Boys I've Loved and Lost'.

To the first,
Losing you was, and will always be, the most painful thing I will ever endure. I miss everything about you - your infectious smile, your laugh, the kindness of you heart. I still wake up and hope its all been a horrific dream, but then reality sets into place. I want you back, even just to see your face one last time - but I know that that will never happen. My eyes close at night, and all I see is your face. Your long eyelashes, your smattering of freckles.

I wish with my whole heart you were still here, and I know that's for purely selfish reasons. I want you to give me advice and hug me when it seems like everything in the entire world is going wrong - which happens more than often these days. I want you to resent the boys who break my heart, and promise me that no matter what, you never will. I want you to realise that my insides still scream, wishing it was me who was gone - not you. I want you at my wedding, smiling at the sidelines and comforted by the fact that I'd found someone who loves me just as much as you do. Just as much as you did.

Losing you was the becoming of me, I had to fight harder than any battle not to let my world become clouded with grief and despair. I had to fight for happiness, yet I still don't feel worthy of it. It's as though every good thing is overshadowed with this overwhelming guilt that I can't seem to shake off. Why do I get to experience all these great things - University, having fun with my friends, going on holiday with our family - when all of that was ripped away from you?

All this unfairness, all this anger. I feel it simmering inside of me, and I don't know what to do with it. It's been almost two and a half years, and I'm not quite sure I'll ever stop yearning for your presence. Whether I'll ever stop being so unbearably sad without it.

I love you, and I always will.

To the second,
You were my everything. In times of grief, you'd be the one to pick me up and encourage me that I'm a lot stronger than I think. Making you proud was absolutely everything to me - it still is. We had a special bond, the only way I can describe it is like this;

I doubted myself for years, I still do. You saw something inside of me that no one else seemed to. You saw the intelligence and the potential that was hidden by the insecurities and the crippling self doubt. You made me shine, and I miss your encouragement and approval with every ounce of my being.

I wouldn't be where I am today without you, I know that for a fact. The only reason I'm here is because I started to believe in myself - I started to realise that my talents and dreams didn't have to be the same as everyone else's. The way your eyes would light up when you'd see me gave me a purpose, and losing that hurts me beyond belief.

It all happened so quick, time ran out faster than I could ever begin to comprehend. That's the problem with humanity - we always think we have so much time, when time is the one thing that we don't have.

I miss your grumpy face, and watching the joy in your face when you'd eat dessert. I miss being someone's favourite person.

Thank you for always being the light in my life.

To the third,
It hurts me to write this. Part of me doesn't want to. I don't want to feel the things that I've tried so hard to repress. I don't want to admit that the hurt is still there, and that I feel like it always will be.

I'm angry at you, but more so at myself. For giving someone else the power to hurt me - when I knew I couldn't handle it. It's funny isn't it, how it's the people who you never think will hurt you - always end up hurting you the most.

Because there's a feeling that comes with rejection - and that is inadequacy. I've lay in bed countless times wondering why I wasn't good enough, replaying situations in my head and thinking about what I could've done differently.

I can't bring myself to delete the pictures and the silly videos I have of us on my phone, and whenever I accidentally stumble upon them I feel my heart break a million times over again.

I've tried everything to stop thinking about you - distractions, other people. It all just feels like one big show. I can't pretend not to be hurting, when it's all I'm ever doing. Loving you was the greatest, but also the most painful thing I ever did. I guess you can't keep putting plasters on someone else's scraped knees, when your own legs are broken.

I'm not going to say I wish I'd never met you, because that is so far from the truth. You made me happier than I felt I'd ever been before, and for that I'll always be grateful. Without realising, you filled the void of pain - at least for a little while.

I could never be entirely open with you, and for that I apologise profusely. I'm sorry that I couldn't open up and let you in. I guess that's what pushed you away - and whilst I'll never know the full truth, that's going to remain my educated guess.

The truth is, I know I need to be alone for a while. It's unfair to let someone else in when you know in your heart that you're not ready for it. I thought I was - and maybe that's true - but I wasn't ready for the ending. I've lost people in more horrific circumstances, yet this one affected me more than I was prepared for.

Apparently it takes getting everything you've ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is, and I guess that's the brutal truth. I want to be alone for enough time to feel settled and comfortable in myself, and I can't do that with someone else depending on me.

Maybe our paths will cross again someday, and by then the pain will have disappeared - or, at least, subsided. Thank you for giving me a taste of what true happiness is, even if it was only for a short time.

I will always want the best for you.

Thank you so much for reading, I promise I'll write about something happy one day.

Grace x


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