A couple of days ago, I got in from work and just burst into tears in front of my mum and sister. I felt overwhelmed with the amount of things I had to do - a driving test looming, an endless stack of school work and everything else in between. For around 10 minutes I sat at the kitchen table and bawled my eyes out, worrying about how much I had to do, and how little time I had left - telling my mum that I just wanted to 'drop everything' ... or, in other words, give up everything I have already come so far in achieving. I know that I've spoken about this before, but I have extremely limited self confidence when it comes to my own ability, which results in me doubting absolutely everything that I ever do. I have heard the words 'Just have confidence in your own ability' countless times, but it truly is so much easier said than done. 

At this particular moment in time, the thing I was most worried about was my driving test. Failure is one of my biggest fears, and I cannot even explain how worried I was that the result of my test wouldn't be a good one. Over the past couple of months, I experienced an utter downfall in my confidence in just about everything, and my driving skills were certainly affected. 

After I'd stopped being a miserable sod (sorry Mum!), we sat down and watched one of my all time favourite films 'The Danish Girl' in an attempt to cheer me up (which, if you're familiar with the plot, doesn't seem entirely logical). The film follows Lili Elbe, a Danish painter, who became one of the first people to undergo a sex-change operation after coming to terms with the fact that she had been born a man, but knew in her heart that 'Lili' was her true self. Not going to lie, I feel like I've not done the film much justice with that pathetic attempt of a plot summary, but I really do recommend that you watch it! I love everything about the film - the plot, the locations and, of course, the characters - and it's so different to anything I have ever watched before. 

Anyway, throughout the film I became aware of Lili's sheer determination to achieve everything that she wanted to achieve. She battles many demons throughout the entirety of the film, yet one aspect which utterly resonated with me was at the very end. For the final operation, she was aware of the risks it involved, yet she still went ahead and went through with it. The next morning I woke up feeling so inspired, and so ready to work hard and achieve everything that I wanted to. 

With that said, I went out driving around 4 times a day, made myself a list of all the things I had to do for college, and sorted out other things that I also needed to get done. For so long I let fear and silly thoughts hold me back from everything that I wanted to do, and I knew that I could either let these feelings dictate my choices, or I could fight them and get the outcome that I wanted. The thing is, I have come so far, and there's no way that I am slipping back again. I made a promise that 2017 was going to be 'my year' and I'm so determined to make it amazing.

I know for many people this may seem like an extremely over dramatic post, but I know that there's people out there who it may help. So many people fear failure - it chews us up and spits us out, making us feel so worthless when we can feel it looming above us. However, and again I know it's so much easier said than done, but if you work hard and try your best then 'failure' simply doesn't exist. Yes, you may not get the highest marks, or perhaps you don't pass but the only thing you can ever really do it keep your calm and try as hard as you physically can. 

When I feel like this, I look for inspiration from others who have been brave enough to go ahead with their wishes, despite the risks they had to take. Alongside Lili Elbe, one of my greatest inspirations is my inhumanly brave brother. Luke went through things which most people will never even think about in their lifetime, and experiencing his bravery and maturity towards absolutely anything that was thrown at him has given me enough inspiration for the rest of my life. With anything I do, I remember everything that he went through, and it always puts things into perspective. Making him proud is always on my mind, and I'm at my happiness when I know that I have. 

Sorry for another rambling blog post, I always feel that I have so much to say but struggle with how to say it! For anyone wondering ... I did do my driving test, and PASSED !! Perhaps in that case I'd advise that you stay off the roads, I'm very excitable! 

I hope you're having a fabulous day, and I'll see you next week!

Grace x


Post a Comment

recent posts